darrus (darrus) wrote,
darrus
darrus

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Coach OTP fic - Perhaps Love


Here is the song
Here are the lyrics


AND THE SUN WILL SHINE (2)

Author
: darrus
Fandom: German National team
Pairing: Klinsmann/Loew, various
Rating: PG 
Language: English
Warning: RPS

Disclaimer: I still don't know people mentioned in this story and I still hope it isn't true. The plot is still only my fantasy

Author's notes, previous chapters and music here

Timeline for the series is here 


And the Sun Will Shine (2)

 

‘You get out of my life from now on’ – that was what Joachim said to him.

Like a spear through his heart, piercing in a second. He’s unable to breathe. Then he wants to answer but his lips are cold – and he can’t speak. Frozen in silence. Joachim.

Joachim.

Leaving him.

Joachim.

Joachim.

Leaving.

He can’t speak.

It hurts so much that he can only lower his head an stay silent.

 

In his dreams it was like that.

In his dreams it happened with the fitting dramatic flair, like this breakup deserved. Not with the half-amused smile on his face and strange feeling of relief that settled inside him from the moment Joachim started the confrontation.

He wishes he reacted properly, but he didn’t. The trip to London was weighing on his mind much more than the spectacular fallout with friend-turned-lover, one of the closest people to him. But the more he thinks about Joachim, the less important the whole ordeal seems. Just another minor disagreement.

Minor – but Jogi told him to get out of his life.

‘Jogi’?

He catches himself on it not for the first time. ‘Jogi’, friend and confidant, not ‘Joachim’ – lover.

 

He always feel a sort of vertigo-like disturbance returning from England to Europe. As if cars moving in different direction make his head spin, and his lungs are aching for typical London smog.

Then he settles back in, into the routine and the way of life he is leading here. Driving Jonathan to school before work and playing football with him, baking cakes for Debbie. Calling Stuttgart every day – twice a day and also being polite and socializing with neighbors.

When Debbie leads Jogi – Joachim – into the room, he is genuinely surprised and pleased. Just a minute ago Lothar has called and he again didn’t pick up the phone but smiled nonetheless. And next they were sitting with Joachim and drinking coffee.

And oh how he didn’t want to talk about their relationship suddenly. How was he to explain Joachim that he…

 

Joachim.

Dearest.

Dearest friend, most loved friend, gentle and strong, free-willed, adventurous by nature, always knowing what he wants, always having a goal before himself. His Joachim, his lover.

The one he loves, definitely does.

How was he to explain to Joachim that he…

 

‘I’m sorry. Joachim’.

He’s repeated it more than he can count in last few weeks. He’ll have to do it again and again – and again, and he is sorry. He is sorry to feel like he does.

He was sitting in the soft armchair and looking at Joachim, his beloved friend, his beautiful lover. So much feeling inside, so intense.

But how was he to explain to this man, to the one he’s never lied to – how to speak about the relief he feels since the last argument – definitely the last, he thinks with amusement – and how to say that he doesn’t know if he wants to continue anything?

He’s grabbed at the most convenient excuse possible and felt ashamed to use Debbie like this. He couldn’t say that he is willing to go on because – because – because…

He didn’t want?

Too hard to comprehend. Two years of feelings, two years of happiness with the man who came to mean so much, who came to be almost the closest friend, who deserved his words, ‘I love you’, and the words were oh so true even now, even now. No, no, he was afraid to let it end. He didn’t want, he couldn’t want it – because life without Joachim was something from the ‘unimaginable’ category.

 

Unimaginable. Joachim’s voice on the phone, e-mails again and again. Gentle touches and barely visible smiles. ‘I love you’ – answered with ‘I love you’.

He’s never felt more for Joachim than he did these days.

So many feelings, so many mixed emotions. If only he could explain it all to the man. How his heart breaks a little every time the phone is ringing – and it’s only Lothar, not… Not his Joachim.

If only he could explain to himself what is it that he wants he wouldn’t be feeling so miserable, he supposes. But there’s one small problem – he is not sure.

He doesn’t know anymore what he wants. So he calls Gary and talks with him, almost tells him about what’s going on – but it doesn’t bring peace.

For the first time in his life, it doesn’t help him settle his feelings. And instead of calming down, another confusing thought crawls in his mind. Like something is missing, something, very important something, and it’s all because he talked with and the peace didn’t come.

 

He wants to go home suddenly. Home – means back to the ocean’s shore, running along the beach and feeling the breeze on his face and taste of salt on his lips.

Coward’s way out, he knows, but he wants to go home.

And the man in the mirror is still smiling at him, undisturbed by what’s going on. This man is happy and settled, with nothing bringing him out of his comfort zone. He’s joyous and polite, his laughter is often heard and everyone around can’t help but smile answering to his greeting.

 

And then it happens.

In the news he sees Kevin.

When he was going to make a call, back then, more than two years ago, he was feeling himself a killer. The worst part of his job. And if he only knew how hard it will be…

In his mind he knew that he was right. It helped. But not much.

And once more it’s Kevin.

It’s Joachim clad in black, announcing the decision – and the decision is final. Apologies were given – and taken, but too late. Over and out. Over. Everything is over in a second.

The finality of it – that was what strikes him so hard. A couple of words – and the international career of the player is over. And all it took was a couple of words.

Kevin came back once – but there was no declaration of retirement from the team back then. And it’s not about Kevin.

It’s not about declarations even – Lothar has come back.

But how easy it is to make things end! Just a couple of words.

And he doesn’t want him and Joachim to end like that. So he picks up the phone.

 

He’s called Joachim that day. There was no answer. Once and twice and then again. He’s waited some time – half an hour was all his patience allowed him, and called again. Jogi’s – damn, Joachim’s! – phone was off. He’s sent the message: ‘call me when you have time’. Then sent another one: ‘we have to talk’, cringed at the wording but sent anyway.

He needed to talk.

He didn’t want eight years of deepest friendship and the romance to end with the cracking finality of one well-constructed phrase, it was too hard to take, too unimaginable.

It was the decision.

He’s made it – decided what he wants. And not surprisingly the decision was to stay with Joachim. They’ll talk. He’ll find out what is bothering his lover. He’ll listen and he’ll answer the best he can. And then everything will go on.

He’s waited for the call and tried to call again once, but the phone was still off. He was restless and felt himself growing tired off waiting.

But the man in the mirror was still smiling at him and everyone else. This man always hid his feelings behind the most charming smile.

 

But the phone stayed silent throughout the day. The silence was driving him mad, making him think and think and think and doubt every decision he’s made. He picked up the phone again and put it back in his pocket – there was no use. He didn’t want to come home in this state, explain himself to Debbie and play with children, waiting for the call all the time…

He went wandering – sightseeing it could be called except that he didn’t see anything really – wasn’t looking. Just working out some of the nervous energy. The thought that he should be devoting more of his force and concentration to work came to him surely – but he managed to shrug it off.

On an impulse he’s taken the phone again and called Lothar. He himself didn’t know why he did it, but the result was the same.

Lothar’s phone was off.

 

He came home just in time for evening meal that day.

He’s turned the TV on and children started arguing about the channel – Laila winning as always. His only thought was not to make Debbie worry, so he’s eaten everything – roastbeef it was, but he didn’t pay much attention to the taste. And maybe added too much Ketchup.

Debbie went for a walk with children and he’s stayed at home – riding the bicycle just wasn’t so inviting a perspective right now.

The phone rung when he was standing at the window looking at the trees outside and trying to make himself concentrate on work.

It was Lothar.

Not his usual time – it usually was closer to midnight. He’s wanted to speak with Joachim, but Joachim was either busy or didn’t want to talk – same difference in the end. He was in no mood for talking but picked up the phone anyway because silence was too much and he’s wanted to speak with someone.

Oh the irony of it all – this ‘someone’ being Lothar Matthäus of all people

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Lothar asked him bluntly.

“How you know that there is something wrong?”

“Will you be calling me if you are in your right mind?”
”Maybe I’m just tired of my phone constantly ringing all day through?”

Brief hesitant pause. “Are you?”

“No”, fell from his lips before he thought better of it. No, he wasn’t.

And Lothar laughed. With obvious relief.

 

He’s slept well that night – and didn’t have dreams. And woke up really rested in the morning. Sang a merry tune while in the shower. Threw his keys up in the air before running down the stairs.

And there was rain, and the air smelled of autumn. He’s opened the collar of his jacket and enjoyed the wind in his face. It was cold but not cold enough to make it unpleasant. And a golden leaf plastered itself to his car’s window.

He hasn’t been in such a light mood for quite some time and now he was enjoying it. Not thinking about complicated matters. And not thinking about the reason for such cheerful mood.

And there was no reason actually. Surely the small talk with Lothar wasn’t a reason, and nothing else came to mind…

If he told Joachim about it – how angry the man would be! So he’s sensibly decided not to share these thoughts with anyone.

 

Only the next day he’s got an e-mail from Joachim. An apology for staying silent, somewhat cocky explanation of being angry and therefore resorting to childishness and also the suggestion that it’s not the type of conversation that is situated for the phone and so another apology and request for a meeting… later.

Perfectly valid points, thought he absently – they were busy with Martin at the moment. He’s written a reply. Later – ok, later. He found out he wasn’t in a hurry anymore.

In fact, he could understand no more what drove him to try and solve everything at once in the first place.

Later. Later will be good. The more time to relax, to think for both of them – the better.

 

This ‘later’ appeared to be dragging on and on though. He’s called Joachim once – worried, scared for him after learning about the Frings mess, and got plenty of assurances that everything is alright and fine. (He wasn’t too ashamed of checking on this statement and called Olli – even through the phone he could catch Olli cringing but still got the confirmation of Jogi’s words. Yes, everything was indeed alright).

Jogi called him once too – just to speak, like usually, they’ve spent some forty minutes on the phone. And that was it.

Maybe it meant that their relationship has somehow resumed. He surely hoped so.

 

18.10.2008

 

tbc

Tags: coach otp, fanfiction, football, klinsmann, loew, matthaeus, perhaps love, slash, soccer
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